User talk:OriginalSkin1969
Welcome Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Rise page. Please be sure to read all of the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked. Read some new pastas by checking out or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing. Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! ClericofMadness (talk) 10:03, July 16, 2017 (UTC) EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:31, August 31, 2017 (UTC) Re: Poem I'm sorry, but there were quite a lot of issues here that resulted in the poem failing to meet our quality standards. Here are a few of the errors I found in the poem relating to mechanical, awkward rhyming scheme, rhythm, and story issues. Starting with the mechanical issues: "It became a force of habbit (habit).", "But I knew I wreaking (sic) havok (havoc).", "I swiped in to catch my pray (prey).", etc. Given that there are only nine stanzas here, this does result in a very rushed feeling to have 4+ issues present in a relatively short series. Slant/awkward rhymes. "Couldn't risk it this time again. / But my body shook and then I grinned.", "But nay could I hold it back this time. / She seemed so sweet and so divine.", "But now I knew that she had to go. / My inner temptation that no one knows.", "I know she'll never make it home. / I even kept one of her finger fingerbones (sic)." etc. Feel free to read these aloud to yourself. Typically, a slant rhyme is accepted only once or twice in a collection. Any more, and it tends to give a very rushed feel. A general rule of thumb is the rule of thumb. Anything more than 10/15% in a story is problematic/noticeable. Rhythm: A lot of you stanzas feel awkward. Take lines like: "All so lonely in the park. / No one around and it was getting dark." and "She kicked and screamed so loud. / But in the end, she was down. / In a pool of blood she lay. / In the end... I felt brave." and "Chopped to bits, put in a sack. / I felt so good, a successful attack. / Took her to the woods where no one would find her. / I dug the hole about 3 feet deep. / Where she would lay in eternal sleep." as an example. Story issues: The story feels fairly rushed. The awkward rhymes that are set up and the skewed rhythm really don't help the story much. In the end, I feel like a lot more could be down with the story to make it more effective and to remove instances of awkward rhyming/rhythm that tend to result in a poem that feels incomplete/unrevised. I would suggest using the writer's workshop for your next story (see link above) as it is generally more helpful on providing feedback. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:31, August 31, 2017 (UTC) Thank you for the feedback, this poem was really written on a whim in the middle of me having the flu- and rushed to publication which was stupid on my part. I had written a poem like this a long time ago and this was a bizarre attempt to recreate it. My main area of expertise has always been free verse poetry (Rise) and this was really my first time dabbling in a rhyming poem. I really do appreciate the constructive criticism, and I thank you for taking the time out of your day to give me some feedback on this. I feel as though what I wrote came out as very... Hollow and meaningless. I will use the writers workshop further, as I don't think I knew about this feature before you told me about it. Thank you. once more. OriginalSkin1969 (talk) 09:52, August 31, 2017 (UTC)